Posted by: segebee | April 14, 2009

THE CRAZY DRIVER, CONDUCTOR AND BUS.(Added Salt and Pepper)

After basically facebooking throughout working hours and forgetting to eat, (taking only cereal in the morning) and missing
the staff bus, with my boss asking me to leave for home, I left the office, headed to the bus-stop and proceeded to enter
a bus.
“Agbado Ijaiye 120”; the conductor shouted when i asked him of the fare.
I promptly stepped back; there was no rush, so why pay extra?
“Oya, Enter for N100”, the conductor said (I’ll refer to him as condi). I gleefully entered.
I was the second to enter the bus, One olopa (policeman) was sitting in front (these police too like awuf and na them go
dey catch these buses).
I looked around, people were standing lazily at the bus stop like they had no place to go. (Guys, its N100, abi u expect him to say 80?
Una go wait for molue o).
The driver may i refer to him as “pilot”, getting impatient after spending time at the bus stop shouted “N100 Agbado”.
People started trickling in, seeing this ‘condi’ shouted ‘5 for seat o’, to which we all reacted “No way o!”.
Condi tried to argue but Pilot had already said “4 on seat”, and we wouldn’t budge.
Condi wasted our time trying to get the last passenger into what you could call “pako on the engine”,
who would pay N100 for that!
As we started to move, the bus jerked and coughed for some seconds and trust Lagos’ merciless passengers;
“Oga, make we come down o !”.
“Come down, for where? Nna, make i come lose this money, no way!”, I am sure pilot was thinking as he paid us no heed and
stepped on the accelerator making the car trot forward on speed. The bus was moving fine and the bus was silent.
“Lagos people? We know say this bus no good, but we still siddon like say nothing dey! We fit risk our lives o!” I said to myself.
Pilot suddenly steps on the brakes, and passengers start shouting “Softly o!”.
(I am sure someone must have silently screamed ‘Jesus!’, prayed or skipped a heartbeat. Naija can fear o)

We haven’t gotten to the next bus-stop and Condi starts bugging me for the fare.
“Is something wrong with this bus? I hope not cos I go collect my money back sam sam. I get ‘were’ o and small ‘craze’ o”;
I am thinking to myself.
Pilot steps hard on the brakes again and passengers scream warnings “Rora o! Na only me my mama born o! I no ay goobye for
house o! I get family for house o!”.
Condi starts bugging me again for the fare. I pay am so dem no go talk sey ‘wetin this one dey feel like’?
The woman wey dey ma side don dey look me somehow. and lagos women, dem no dey tey run their mouth.

Pilot marsh the brake hard again!!! This pilot don take ‘paraga’ ni, abi e don ‘shayo’ or na ‘pami’ he take.
E be like say im think say im dey NASCAR, or im think say e dey drive bullion van.
“Bobo yi rora o!”, “Guy, wetin now?”, “Oga, fun ra re ni brain o!”; Passengers warn Pilot.
He continues driving ”Danfo Style’ and Im praying I Don’t Puke.
The bus starts coughing again, This bus needs Baba Blue o. ‘Mo ti si bus wo leni’.
“Wan wun, Wan wun, Wan wun, Wan wun”; a siren blares behind me.
Shey Fashola don ban Siren for Lagos na?
Who be the important personality sef? I turn and see one guy driving a Lagos state environmental vehicle,
im really pissed off!

I love Lagos ‘Hold up’, Plenty choppies, “You can have whatever you like…”

I need yogurt, I see the yogurt guy coming and reach into my pocket to get my wallet… its not there! I search all my pocket,
For where! Chei! My wallet don waka! I no go gree o! I go search evrybody for this moto!
I use style look the person wey dey mt back whether e fit be am, and i see my wallet for floor. Omigosh! My mind don settle.
I for waka go house today or find story tell conductor or do ‘fine bara’.
You gotta love God and Lagos hold up, if not for that yogurt…

I will soon get down, make dis pilot allow me get down before im crash him bus with the useless way im dey drive.
(But why do we risk our lives? Can’t we all get down? Instead we silently pray “God, take us home, safely! Amen!”)

NO be me go come down from moving bus, u better park wella o, i no fit fall down make Lagosians dey tell me sorry
and use me laugh o.

Thank God I survived that crazy ride! Nes time, I beta look Pilot face before I enter Bus…

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